Travel Tips for Canadians Hoping to Avoid Invasion (at Home and Away)
Going on a Caribbean vacation? There's a lot more to worry about than sunburns and pick-pockets. Yes, this is a work of satire.
It’s the post-Christmas travel season, when frigid and frugal Canadians make their way to the airport in flip fops, holding a Tim Horton’s tumbler, which will soon be filled with free booze from an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic, Cuba, or other RedTag.ca recommended destination. It’s on these trips that Canadians often meet Americans on neutral territory, with the added risk of speaking too freely while drunk or suffering from heat exhaustion. In the good old days, we had a script for these encounters:
“Yes, some people really say ‘eh.’”
“No, I don’t really think it sounds like ‘a-boot’ when I say ‘about,’ but sure.”
“Actually, I do enjoy our nationalized health care, thank you very much.”
Today, the risks are much more dangerous. Here’s a handy guide on how to safely travel during an era of American invasions (and how to discourage them from invading us.)
1. Choose your destination carefully:
Cuba used to be a safe American-free spot but maybe not this year. Perhaps avoid Colombia and Mexico, too. (You weren’t planning on a trip to Greenland, anyway I guess?) Dubai offers fancy chocolates, and I hear it could be the next Florida of the Middle East. (Don’t ask about the next Riviera. You’re on holiday!) While you’re gone, try not to worry about Canada being economically decimated before it’s invaded. That’s a Monday problem.
2. What to do if you are at a resort and an American engages you in conversation about all that’s wrong with Canada?
If you find yourself at a swim-up bar or buffet line and an American corners you, wanting to talk about how the government is massacring children with medically assisted dying or they inquire about our mafia-style approach to dairy supply management, remember to smile and be self-deprecating. “Yes, your Niagara Falls is so much nicer than our Niagara Falls.” If that goes well, try embracing their local dialect and sensibilities. Consider adding, “I don’t know about that Rainbow Bridge. Seems too woke for my liking.”
3. How to react when an American asks if you want to become the 51st State?
Practice this before you go. Laugh heartily. “Ha, ha. Your President is such a great joker. The last time we laughed with a Canadian politician, was when Prime Minister Jean Chrétien put an anti-poverty protestor in a chokehold in ’96.” Move the conversation to the President’s acting success. For example, “I loved him in The Apprentice and Home Alone.” If you’re feeling confident, talk about this winter’s blockbuster American Invasion and mention how it illustrates the president’s impressive range. “You don’t think they’ll make a sequel, do you?”
4. What if the U.S. invades Canada while you’re gone
This one’s important and you won’t like the answer: don’t try to come back. You are one of them now. Channel your inner Celine Dion, singing, “My Heart Will Go On” and think of the Titanic. Don’t be a Jack and take the raft. Speaking of Jack, you can now enjoy yours with coke. Also, Kentucky Bourbon! Drop u’s from most words and never apologize if someone walks into you. Remember us the way we’d like to be remembered, eating our last beavertails. And if you run into Katy Perry, tell her that you heard her boyfriend was the best governor Canada had ever seen.